Perhaps the Sun Was All I Needed to Feel Alive Again
On finding warmth and positives in the middle of darkness
March appeared to be over before it even began. All I had to do was blink and the green grass seemed to blossom beneath my feet, and the familiar splurge of yellow daffodils could be seen anywhere and everywhere.
In the mornings I was suddenly not getting into my car shivering, and praying for it to warm up, but reaching to open the window and let the cool air in. It’s funny how life has a way of changing so rapidly but still staying the same.
Not a lot has changed, but the scenery in the small world around me has bloomed in a way that hasn’t been seen for months.
Splashes of colour, freshness, golden light and longer evenings lay ahead and the dark days of Winter feel like a foreign experience of a distant past. Usually, every time this year comes around I want to hide under my duvet and mourn the passing of Winter, but it feels different this time.
The warmer seasons have always been difficult for me. Living in a larger than average body and being self conscious for most of my life has meant that Summer has always been on the uncomfortable side.
For as long as I can remember, the hint of Spring would send me into overdrive, as I would start to wonder how on earth I’d get through the next 6 months of self hatred, discomfort and constant comparison.
But something has shifted this year, but I haven’t been shedding the pounds. Quite the opposite actually. The more I think about it, the more I think that I’m approaching an age now where I just don’t care so much about what I look like and what people think about me.
That doesn’t mean I’d turn up at the supermarket in my pyjamas, but that I’m more likely to reach for a pair of shorts in the summer than try and cover myself up with a large, baggy dress. Which all feels like a breath of fresh air, when I must have spent well over a decade trying to minimise myself or cover up at the first hint of Spring or Summer.
My new job is incredibly fulfilling, but I don’t quite feel qualified to be doing what I need to. Although I’m part of that annoying generation that has grown up on social media and can use most of it with ease, platforms like TikTok are relatively new to me. So when it was mentioned in my first few days of starting this job, I started to panic.
Although I’m an avid consumer of TikTok content, I’ve never seriously tried to create videos that resonated with people. I’ve used it flippantly, impatiently, and sporadically over the past few years, but never committed to really trying it out.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve been trying to create content there to teach myself the skills I need to use in my job. As a result, I’ve had videos which have absolutely flopped, and others which have done unexpectedly well.
But it was posting this video, ‘March Snapshots’ which caused me to re-assess my relationship with Spring and the sudden shift in seasons.
For years, I thought I was a warmer month hater. To such an extent that I thought I had reverse SAD and now, with the beauty that is hindsight, I can see that I missed out on so many summers. Because after a while, you can convince yourself you believe something, even if it isn’t true.
As the video flips through various clips filmed during March, I start to fall in love with my life again as I watch it back on repeat, marvelleing at how nice Spring looks.
What seemed mundane whilst I was filming it, suddenly feels beautiful to watch back. My hair glimmers in the sun, my eyes look a deeper, more golden brown, and I’m spending more time outdoors whilst nature is blooming all around me. I notice the spring in my step, how I seem happier, more content, motivated and more, well, me.
Who knew a video less than a minute long with a music remix layered over the top could have such a profound effect on me re-assessing my entire existence and the way I view the world?
Maybe it’s the writer in me making it a bigger thing than it is, but over the last few years, I have definitely felt a shift in my attitude towards Spring and Summer. Although I adore the cosiness of Winter and the slower pace of life, as Spring floats around this year I’m feeling grateful that I can even experience it.
At the start of the year, my 89 year old Nan became very unwell and isn’t getting better. My Nan adores Spring, spending time outside and being in her garden. She dreads the shorter days and darker nights and always wishes for Spring and Summer.
She was always the one who went with me into the cold, choppy, British sea on family holidays, and I have so many fond memories of us spending long afternoons in her garden after school, putting the world to rights after copious amounts of tea under the watchful glare of the sun.
Unfortunately, at the moment she can’t enjoy Spring as she is stuck inside, in bed, and is asleep for most of the day. Her only experience of Spring this year is peaking through the glass windows and doors, and listening to the gentle chirp of birds that keep on flurrying to her garden.
I think it’s a combination of this, picking up the camera and age that has fundamentally changed my attitude towards the warmer months. I’m thankful for each day, and the added amount of sunlight that comes with the longer evenings. The days haven’t actually gotten longer, of course, but the added daylight gives more potential to make them last.
And that is going to be my mission going forward. I refuse to hide away inside, dreading the thought of other peoples’ perception of me and my body, and instead, embrace the extra daylight and use it as more opportunities to be thankful that I’m even here to experience this strange and beautiful thing called life. Because the odds were always stacked against my mere existence.
As Spring continues to unravel beneath my feet, I’m no longer going to approach the warmer weather with dread and self obsession over my own body and how it is perceived by others, but with hope, wonder and a renowned appreciation for the opporunity of just being here and experiencing it all, because one day, it all might be a distant memory.
This was originally published in The Masterpiece, March 29th, 2025.